In which my heart's desires conflict with reality

it's official. i've grown up. and what do i want to be when i grow up? well, when i was a kid, the list was pretty long. astronaut. pilot. gymnast. teacher. rancher. missionary. writer. editor. baker. pretty much anything within a very wide range from possible and likely to impossible and unlikely. but what i found out as i got older is that i want my life to mean something. to be of value. to leave a legacy. that leaves only three possibilities in my mind. teacher. missionary. and the one i want more than anything in the world, the desire of my heart, the thing i pray for every day, the only possibility that makes me smile immediately: mom.

what i want to do more than anything in this world is raise my own children to love and honor and glorify Christ with their lives, and teach them how to servants for His Name. this is my deepest desire and my most poignant yearning.

this is also the one thing that i cannot achieve on my own. for obvious reasons, but also because i have to trust God to provide me with a husband and bless me with children. husband first, then children. one step at a time. but there is absolutely nothing i can do. no amount of "making myself desirable" or "putting myself out there" will give me a husband. sure, these may prerequisites, along with more important tasks such as nurturing my relationship with Christ and becoming a student of biblical womanhood, but these tasks cannot give me a husband. only God can incline a man's heart toward mine. can make a man want to make me his wife. love is a gift from God. and all i can do is pray and wait and listen and learn and pray.

and i am praying. a lot. like, multiple times a day. sometimes, multiple times an hour. i am seeking this with my whole heart. i am a student of waiting. i would love to be a student of answered prayer.

in the mean time, i've grown up. and i live in world that, through sin, must labor for its daily needs. and as a person blessed by God with a body able and willing, i have the responsibility to support myself financially in this world. not rely on my parents, because i am an adult. so, i must seek gainful employment.

i feel placed in this city in this country for a divine purpose, but i don't know what that is. my heart is on the mission field, but right now it is there in prayer and support for friends serving God in foreign lands.

educationally, i cannot be a teacher. i don't have the credentials. and i am in the middle of prayerfully discerning whether or not it is God's Will for me to seek these credentials, or pursue another path.

so, for now, i am unable to do any of the three things i desire to do. what do i do in the mean time? i would like to do something that i can put my heart into, not just another job.

dear reader, would you mind to pray with me that such employment would be found? that i would receive clear direction about how to continue my education? that i would wait honorably for the Lord to provide?

it would mean a lot to me. it really would.